Apricot Press

Monday:

1. It only takes three splashes of milk to make the perfect cup of tea. Two makes it too bitter; four is too much.
2. It’s quite easy to pick the mould out of bread.
3. The price for strawberries has gone up 34p.
4. Someone in Tesco didn’t know the difference between a cucumber and a courgette. Turns out to be a common misunderstanding.
5. Don’t buy toilet rolls in paper packaging.
6. Elderly people using technology correctly makes me happy.

Tuesday:

1. It takes three minutes twenty seconds for the toilet to refill before it’ll flush again.
2. Don’t hold your phone over the toilet when timing how long it takes to refill.
3. Rice does in fact get water out of a phone.
4. Jane Austen is the face of the ten-pound note.
5. Working from home is only fun when the neighbour’s dog isn’t hungry.
6. It takes me an hour to read 30 pages of a novel.

Wednesday:

1. Nothing interesting ever happens on a Wednesday.

Thursday:

1. It doesn’t work owning a plant that needs watering everyday and a plant that only needs to be watered once a week.
2. I shouldn’t be allowed to look after living things.
3. TOWIE stands for The Only Way Is Essex.
4. Grace was right that David from Tinder wouldn’t look like his profile picture.
5. Take use-by dates seriously.
6. Vanish will not get out carpet stains.
7. Getting a cat is more expensive than I thought.
8. I’m not pregnant.

Friday:

1. A takeaway is not in this week’s budget, or any weekly budget.
2. The Queen is 96 years old.
3. The quiz show I like has been renewed for another season.
4. Finishing late on Fridays was the best decision I ever made.
5. Never go on a first date to a restaurant you’ve never been to before.
6. If he pays, don’t say you’ll get it next time when you have no interest in seeing him again.

Saturday:

1. I’ve put on two pounds this week.
2. I don’t get hangovers from Merlot.
3. A gym membership isn’t worth it when I can do home workouts in the front room.
4. I can’t do more than three push ups before collapsing.
5. The shower’s broken.
6. I don’t know anyone who can fix a shower.
7. Never ring my parents when I have a problem.
8. Dad doesn’t like his tea with sugar, even though he drank it with two sugars when I lived at home for twenty-one years.
9. Dad can’t fix a shower.

Sunday:

1. My sister is moving back in after the divorce.
2. Separating lights from darks is pointless.
3. I’m the wrong bra size.
4. There’s a Nando’s opening in town soon.
5. I went £23 over budget this week.
6. David from Tinder wants to see me again.
7. I think I might be asexual.

Header photo credit: Min An